DRAMATICALLY INCORRECT
A comedy skit about English literary terms

A doctor´s office. The doctor is a cheerful straight-man. Young Minnie Momopolopis is disheveled and concerned.

MI:
Sorry, I´m seeking someone to search out my symptoms of this salacious disease. It seems serious.

DR:
Well, you´ve come to the right place. I´m Dr. Albright. Can you tell me what the problem is?

MI:
A perfectly paralyzing problem. Please, I´ll pay preposterous prices for a piddly placebo.

DR:
Hmmmmm: I think I´ve seen cases like this before. I´ll have to get a little background first. How long has this illness been affecting you?

MI:
Bah, it began beguiling me before breakfast.

DR:
Interesting. Say ahhhhhh. Okay. Bend over and touch your toes. Good. Good. Now, recite pi to 21 decimals. Just kidding. Do you have any other symptoms?

MI:
No, not normally.

DR:
Is the disease affecting your work?

MI:
Occasionally. Or, often.

DR:
Is the illness affecting your sleep patterns.

MI:
Jumping Jellybeans, Jimminy Jehosaphat! Doctor, I´m drastically desperate. Do desist your didactic diddling and dawdling. See that this silly sickness ceases instantaneously.

DR:
Okay, just calm down. Let´s see. You are repeating the same sounds at the beginning of words or in stressed syllables, as in ¨ scrolls of silver snowy sentences” It seems to be predominantly consonantal. Young lady, I think you have a textbook case of Alliteration.

MI:
Alliteration! Leaping Lizards. Que lastima! Alas, what´s an unlucky lady to do?

DR:
My advice would be to go home, write some poetry and submit it to a high school literary anthology. Other than that, there is no known cure.

MI:
Oh Woe is me. I will wait, wallowing always in my wordy wasteland. Farewell forever fiendish friends. This thuckth.


Enter Mr. and Mrs. SaltnPepper. She is harried.

MRS:
Doctor, you´ve got to help us. My husband is a total Oxymoron.

MR:
That is justly unfair. I´m miserably comfortable.

MRS:
He´s been like this all week. It all started when he started reading about military intelligence in the Dallas Morning Sunset. Since then, all he talks about is jumbo shrimp, bitter-sweet, and Microsoft Works.

DR:
There seems to be a lot of this going around. Let’s just relax and try to get to the bottom of this. Now, are any of your relatives complete and utter Oxymorons?

MR:
Oh, this is obviously and opaquely ridiculous. I don´t need your medicinal poisons. I´m perfectly imperfect.

DR:
I´m sorry Ma´am, but if your husband doesn´t want to be cured there is nothing I can do for him.

MR:
Did you hear that Alice? There is every chance that nothing can be done. It not just my lucid insanity, but my macho femininity and abrasive tenderness that the doctor cannot cure. Good morning doctor, sleep tight. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

The Saltnpeppers leave. Enter Betty Plop.

BE:
Wow, Doc, I´m sizzlin´ happy to see ya.

DR:
How can help you?

BE:
It all started this morning like BAM when my alarm went off Brrrriiing. It hit me POW and all I could do was like LALALALLA Kadabing kaprow!

DR:
Uhhhhhhhhh, Okiedokie. Why don´t you have a seat.

BE:
Plop. Ugh. I´m soooooooo sleeeeeeepy.

DR:
In my professional opinion, what you are suffering from sounds like Onomotapaeia to me.

BE:
Yowzah, that sounds Baa-ad. What a SLAP to the system. Pop, snap clap.

DR:
Well, good luck with that. Watch out for the door on the way out. It closes quickly.

BE: leaving
Ouch! SLAM. Watchit!

Enter Simon.

SI:
Doctor, you´ve got to help me. I´m afraid I have a bad case of Simile. It´s like……

BLACKOUT